Weekly Thoughts on Anxiety

This is an archive of the sends to my subscriber list.

2024

I am Thinking...

8/20/2024

When we are caught in circular worry, it's usually a sign that we are over-identifying with the thoughts.

One way to create more separation between ourselves and automatic thoughts is by rephrasing the self-talk to "I am thinking. . ."

"Bad weather is going to force us to cancel our vacation." ---> "I'm thinking bad weather will force us to cancel our vacation."
"What if this pain is a sign of something serious?" ---> "I'm thinking this pain is a sign of something serious."

By rephrasing our automatic thoughts this way, we strengthen our brain's ability to become more of an observer of our thoughts rather than a participant or feeling compelled to believe every thought.

Eliminating Thoughts

7/30/2024

When we have unhelpful, annoying, and intrusive thoughts, it's natural to respond adversarially and attempt to eliminate them. However, this usually isn't effective.

Imagine walking in the park and seeing a bully ahead walking toward you. You might want to run away, but this could get his attention and provoke him. You might consider arguing and trying to get him to change, but he'll likely dig his heels in even deeper in his ways.

Another option is to simply nod at him when he passes while remaining focused on the goal of taking a walk.

By practicing relating to our thoughts more neutrally, we decrease much of the suffering they bring us.

Car Alarms

7/23/2024

A car alarm system is excellent at detecting things that could be signs of someone breaking in, but we've learned to be skeptical when we hear a car alarm.

We usually don't immediately call the police or rush out the door, ready to chase off a burglar, because most of the time, there's no danger at all. It's a false alarm.

In some cases, like loud thunder happening before the alarm, we may not even glance out the window and instead feel annoyed because the owner isn't turning it off.

A lot of the work with anxiety is about learning to respond to it in ways similar to how we respond to a car alarm: paying attention to it, being curious about it, but also being skeptical of its accuracy.

It's natural for anxiety to feel overwhelming at times. By practicing patience and curiosity, developing new responses to anxiety is possible.

Helpful Worry vs Unhelpful Worry

7/2/2024

Often, the things we worry about the most don't come true. We spend a lot of time in our heads preparing for something that will never happen.

And if the worst does come true, we're often surprised to learn that we're more capable of handling it than anticipated.

Unhelpful worry is usually based on the hidden belief that "I won't be able to handle it." It's also focused on things outside our control, leading to more worry.

Helpful worry, on the other hand, is focused on the things within our control, leads to action and reasonable problem-solving, and accepts the things outside our control.

Storytelling

6/25/2024

We can take away anxious thoughts' power when we label them for what they usually are: future catastrophic storytelling. This label makes it easier to disengage from the thoughts and gives us a choice to create or pay attention to different stories.

The aim is to remind ourselves that many outcomes are possible and to become more comfortable with uncertainty.

Approach

6/18/2024

Someone struggling with anxiety isn't an indication that something is wrong with the person. It's usually just a sign the person's approach and response to anxiety needs adjustment.

What Is

5/28/2024

The human brain is geared toward prediction and evaluation. This means it constantly time-travels into future possibilities and categorizes things into simple categories, like "good" or "bad." The ability to predict and evaluate allows us to solve complex problems, reach long-term goals, and stay safe. However, if left unchecked and unexamined, it brings suffering.

One of the best ways to keep it in check is by regularly engaging in mindfulness. Mindfulness is about observing the present moment. It doesn't mean never getting pulled into the future or never evaluating, but instead labeling and observing these tendencies when they happen rather than participating in them.

YouTube Feed

5/21/2024

Thoughts are similar to YouTube and the videos it suggests to us. Many videos have thumbnails and content that are alarming, distressing, or in some way demand our immediate attention. The more we click and engage, the more we're fed similar content in the future.

We can't control the recommended videos, but we can control whether to click on them or not. Even if we click, we can control whether we believe the content and how long we stay on the video.

Just like our thoughts, most videos aren't worth watching, no matter how convincing they might seem.

Welcoming Anxiety

3/12/2024

One of the most challenging but most beneficial shifts in attitude towards anxiety is welcoming it. Welcoming anxiety includes a willingness to feel it and be with it. This is hard.

Learning how to ride a bike, drive a car, and play a sport is also really hard.

Welcoming anxiety is a learned skill, but it's also a feeling and a state of mind. Just like learning to ride a bike, drive a car, or play a sport, slowly develop the skills to get the "feeling of it" and then keep refining.

Overthinking

3/5/2024

Attempting to think yourself out of overthinking is like forcefully yanking on a ball of tangled thread. It just doesn't work.

Overthinking is often caused by overestimating the value of thinking and underestimating the value of paying attention to the external world and our bodies without interpretation.

The ability to think and problem-solve is an essential tool, but it's far from a perfect tool and isn't useful for all situations.

Outcome Focused

2/27/2024

The best way to get a specific outcome is to focus on what you can control now and leave the rest. Anxiety refuses to accept this, though. It demands a certain outcome.

Instead of measuring success based on the outcome (which is anxiety's measuring stick), try measuring it a different way by asking:

Did I act in a way consistent with my values?
No matter the outcome, how do I want to look back on this time and be proud of how I handled it?

We don't need anxiety's acceptance or approval. In fact, the only way to get it is by sacrificing our values.

Beliefs About Thoughts

2/20/2024

Engaging with an automatic thought is a choice, but it doesn't feel like it because we often:

Assume all thoughts are worth engaging in
Over-identify with our thoughts, believing they are a reflection of who we are
Believe our thoughts reflect reality

Creating distance from our thoughts takes consistent reminders that most thoughts are just static on the radio.

Worry vs Planning

2/13/2024

Worry often disguises itself as planning. In reality, it's just circular, busy work for the brain.

Worry is circular, problem-focused, strives for certainty and perfection, ignores probability, and only focuses on possibility.

Planning has an end, is solution-focused, accepts reasonable amounts of uncertainty, values probable outcomes, not possible outcomes, and acknowledges that no plan is perfect.

Growth & Perfection

2/8/2024

On the surface, perfection seems like a worthwhile cause. Underneath, it's the source of self-criticism, guilt, and shame. All of these promote giving up or pursuing perfection even more until we burn out and are forced to give up.

Perfectionism makes promises of peace and success but delivers more pain and stagnation. Mistakes warn us of failure and rejection but deliver growth and resilience.

Anticipatory Anxiety & Decisions

1/30/2024

Anticipatory anxiety is often worse than the feared situation itself.

If you look closely, anticipatory anxiety is often closely linked with indecisiveness. That is, delaying making a decision.

For example, someone who can't sleep because they fear a big public speech the following day is likely indecisive about getting up on stage or calling in sick. Or whether to read word for word from the script or try to be more natural.

Anticipatory anxiety often decreases as we start to make decisions about the feared event.

Self-Care

1/23/2024

Taking a paradoxical approach of leaning into anxiety rather than avoiding it is essential. But self-care is just as important.

Technically, self-care is likely to fall into the category of anxiety avoidance. When we label self-care as anxiety avoidance, it's a recipe for self-criticism, guilt, and feelings of failure.

Imagine a marathon runner beating himself up for taking a day off to allow his muscles to rest and repair or a race-car driver criticizing herself for making a pit stop to refuel and get new tires.

Anxiety work doesn't require living in a state of constant anxiety. It's about taking steps to counter the avoidance strategy in general.

It's helpful to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. In general, am I leaning into anxiety more than before?

And no matter the answer, you still deserve self-care.

Core Fears

1/16/2024

Someone who is afraid of flying is said to have a flying phobia. Flying is not usually the fear, however. It's more of a trigger and doesn't paint the entire picture.

One person who fears flying might be afraid the plane will crash. Another person will fear having a panic attack mid-air. Another person will fear contamination or getting sick. These are the core fears for each individual.

When we're trying to challenge anxiety, we want to make sure we are speaking to the core fear, not the surface-level fear or trigger.

Psychological Flexibility

1/9/2024

Being able to remain in the present moment, being open to automatic thoughts, feelings, sensations, and urges that arise while also holding and acting on long-term values rather than short-term comforts, is called psychological flexibility.

It's an important muscle to attend to and work out regularly. And think of it as a group of muscles rather than just one.

A professional basketball player might go surfing and wake up the following day extremely sore. Though extremely fit, surfing activates the athlete's muscles in new ways.

To build this muscle specifically for anxiety, examining areas of your life where you already have strong psychological flexibility can be helpful. What is that feeling like? What skills do you utilize? How did you build it? How do you maintain it? Then, use this as a template to carry over to anxiety's playing field.

Most anxiety work is about fine-tuning the existing psychologically flexible muscles.

Intentions

1/4/2024

This is the time of year when many of us set intentions. Anxiety work is all about examining our own intentions (e.g., "Was I trying to escape from anxiety or lean into it?") and slowly changing our habitual way of responding and relating to it.

Just like getting a new gym membership, no matter how well thought out our intentions are, our brains love to default back to their old routines.

One way to assist with overriding our brain's autopilot is to identify the reasons or motivations for your intention: Why did I choose this intention? How will my life be different if I stick to this intention? How will my relationships be different? By defining our motivations and values, we build a resource that we can tap into when our brain tries to suck us back into its old routine.

Another resource to draw off is reminding ourselves that research has disproven the old saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and it's called neuroplasticity.

One of my intentions this year is to create a free, online, comprehensive resource for anxiety. I look forward to sharing that once it's ready (enough).

Happy New Year!

Beliefs About Worry

12/12/2023

Unhelpful worry is circular and doesn’t lead us to productive action. When we worry, we often know we’re participating in this reinforcing cycle. One factor that makes it hard to step outside the cycle is our unhelpful beliefs about the function of worry: “The more I worry, the less likely something awful will happen” “If I don’t worry, I’ll miss important details and something bad will happen” “Planning involves worry” “Worry is showing love to others in my life” “Worry helps me rehearse and prepare for what’s coming” Stepping outside the cycle of worry often involves examining and challenging our beliefs about worry.

Unhelpful Assumptions

11/21/2023

Anxiety causes a range of automatic thoughts and assumptions: Overestimating threats – “He still hasn’t responded to my email. He’s mad and news will spread that I’m a terrible person.” Underestimating our ability to cope – “I won’t be able to handle it” The belief that anxiety is dangerous – “If this anxiety continues, I might lose control or go crazy.” The belief that worrying is always productive – “Worrying keeps bad things from happening.” Most of the time, these thoughts happen beneath our awareness and aren’t explicit. When this happens, they go unexamined, we can’t challenge them, and they become hidden drivers of our behaviors. They lead to avoidance and escaping behaviors, which reinforce anxiety. The goal is not to get rid of these thoughts, because it’s not possible. The goal is to increase our awareness of them and practice challenging them or not engaging with them. Just like any skill worth learning, it takes time, repetition, and not aiming for perfection.

Selective Attention

11/14/2023

If a person is knowingly hiking in an area notorious for deadly snakes, their brain will be on high alert, scanning for any signs a snake is near. It’s called selective attention and is crucial for our survival. However, selective attention works against us when it comes to anxiety. For example, if we struggle with panic attacks, it’s likely our brain is constantly scanning the body for any changes in body sensations. Because bodies are constantly changing and naturally “noisy,” inevitably the brain will notice changes and interpret them as threats. Selective attention can also occur with our thoughts. We can scan our brains for any unwanted thoughts. As we do so, the more likely we will notice them and the more likely they will occur. Selective attention starts to paint a very dark, biased picture of the world. As we increasingly scan for danger, the world slowly becomes a very dangerous place. Addressing our anxiety is very brave. It requires us to practice letting our guard down. In the short term, this increases the feeling of being in harm’s way. In the long run, we train the brain to allow all information in, including information that indicates we’re safe.

Anxiety vs Suffering

11/7/2023

Anxiety is commonly linked with suffering. This is a mistake and one of countless false messages anxiety sends us. Our level of suffering is most dependent on our reaction to anxiety. Reactions that are likely to decrease suffering: Adopting an attitude of acceptance and curiosity toward anxiety Reframing and challenging automatic thoughts that assume anxiety is a sign of true danger Choosing actions based on values rather than on what anxiety is urging Focusing on what is happening now, rather than what anxiety is warning could happen later Using spikes in anxiety as an opportunity to teach the brain a new lesson Embracing uncertainty and reminding anxiety that seeking certainty isn’t realistic The goal is to decrease suffering, not anxiety.

Thought-Action Fusion

11/2/2023

Thought-action fusion is when we mistakenly believe that having a thought is morally the same as taking action. It’s also when we mistakenly believe that because we have a thought about a certain event, it increases its likelihood of happening. For example, maybe someone has the thought or image pop up of stealing something from the convenience store they’re currently in. Then this person has thoughts about this thought/image (“metathoughts”): “Oh, why would I have this thought? Maybe it means I’m at risk of robbing this store. I need to make sure I get this out of my head.” When we react to random thoughts with fear and worry, we inadvertently give them more power and reinforce them. It can be helpful to remind ourselves that our brains are noisy and random. Thoughts are like passing clouds. Most clouds aren’t indicators of a catastrophic storm on the way. And clouds always come and always pass.

Imperfect Friend

10/25/2023

There are a number of ways we can relate to our anxiety. Often it’s fear and anger. It’s only natural to have these types of reactions. However, when we do, it’s likely to put us in an adversarial type of relationship with it. Some people find this helpful, others do not. Another option is compassion. Anxiety means well. It’s trying really hard to protect us. It wants us to be ok. It just tends to get things wrong a lot of the time. However, it’s always open to learning new things. These are some very respectable qualities. Anxiety is far from a perfect friend. But, a friend nonetheless that deserves respect, patience, and a little bit of guidance.

Automatic Thoughts

10/17/2023

Worry and rumination are at the root of anxiety. It’s easy to confuse worry with automatic thoughts though. Having the thought, “What if I get fired?” is not worry or rumination. It’s simply an automatic thought. It only becomes worry and rumination once we start engaging with the automatic thought. When we engage with the thought, it means we’re taking it seriously. As a result, we give it more power. Imagine being at work, and a random person walks into your office and says, “I need you to finish this spreadsheet by 1 p.m. and email it to me. Don’t be late!” The person isn’t your boss and actually doesn’t even work there. This is an automatic thought. Just because the automatic thought is there, doesn’t mean there is a real danger, and doesn’t mean we need to engage. In fact, the more we engage, the more we encourage this random person to assign us tasks. I’m giving a free class next week on Overcoming Worry and Rumination. I hope you can join!

The Anxiety Cycle

10/10/2023

The anxiety cycle is a reinforcing trap. It looks like this: Internal or external trigger Anxiety sensations Anxiety urges us to avoid or escape We avoid or escape the trigger We experience short-term relief from anxiety We reinforce anxiety long term The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for our fight/flight response, is great at keeping us alive. The only thing is, it’s not very smart. It says, “I’d rather keep you alive and be wrong about this. Let’s panic now and figure out the details later.” As a result, it constantly sends us false alarms. When it sends us anxiety signals, it watches how we respond. If it sees us avoiding or escaping, it says, “Oh, my human is running away. I’m right!” It stores this memory and will send us the same signals in similar situations. The good thing about the amygdala is that it’s open to learning new lessons. The catch is, it doesn’t learn through language or logic. It only learns through experiences and only when it’s sending anxiety signals. If you’re not feeling anxiety, it’s not open to learning. So, the way out of the anxiety cycle is to actually do the very thing the anxiety is urging us away from. That is, to trigger the anxiety on purpose. In the short-term the amygdala will get louder. But, as we stay in the triggering situation, the amygdala continues to send false alarms, but it takes note that we’re staying put. This slowly teaches the amygdala that it doesn’t need to keep sending us anxiety sensations. Want to learn more about this cycle and how to break it? I’m offering a free webinar in 2 weeks: Overcoming Worry and Anxiety. I hope you’re able to join!

Process Over Outcome

10/3/2023

Imagine doctors being judged only by whether or not their patients get sick. Every time a patient gets sick, the doctor is put on administrative leave and has to go through more training. Or, imagine police officers being relieved of their duties every time a crime is committed in their area of responsibility. The outcome is important, but it’s only one of many things we should consider. And the outcome is something we often over-emphasize. Focusing only on the outcome seems logical. However, when we try to force a certain outcome or convince ourselves we NEED a certain outcome, we’re trying to control things we can’t control. As a result, anxiety is reinforced and continues. Focusing on the process is more realistic. It acknowledges and accepts that though we really want a certain outcome, ultimately it’s outside our control. It accepts uncertainty. Focusing on the process isn’t free of anxiety though. But, as long we keep refocusing our attention on the next small step within our control and resist the urge to chase certainty, we avoid reinforcing the anxiety cycle. Often the anxiety gets bored and will pass.

Productive vs Unproductive Worry

9/26/2023

Signs of productive worry: It addresses something likely or foreseeable The worry leads to action and planning The worry has an end It accepts a reasonable amount of uncertainty Examples of productive worry: “What if I don’t have enough money to retire?” –> “Maybe I should meet with a financial planner and work up a realistic plan” –> Action: Call friends, search the Internet for recommendations of a financial planner, and book an appointment. “What if I get sick on my trip overseas?” –> Action: researches health advisories for the destination, takes reasonable precautions according to recommendations, and purchases travel insurance. Signs of unproductive worry: It addresses something possible, but very unlikely It’s after 100% certainty and does not accept any level of uncertainty The worry is circular The question is unanswerable Examples of unproductive worry: “What if I don’t have enough money to retire?” –> “I’ll have to work the rest of my life” –> “What if I have health issues, don’t have enough money, and can’t find work?” –> “What if all my family and friends are gone? I’ll be all alone.” –> Worry continues with all types of possibilities and worst-case scenarios. “What if I get sick on my trip overseas?” –> “I’ll contract a rare and deadly disease.” –> “What if there’s no effective treatment available there?” –> “What if I can’t communicate with local healthcare professionals?” –> “What if I’m stranded there and unable to return home?” –> “What if my illness is contagious, and I infect everyone around me?” –> “What if I never recover, and my life is ruined?”

Mental Reps

9/29/2023

Observing thoughts (rather than participating in them) is easier said than done. It takes consistent practice. Just as we would never jump on a surfboard for the first time in 10-foot surf, we don’t want to start with our most triggering, anxious thoughts. Instead, begin first with low-intensity mind chatter. Take 5 minutes each day when you are relatively calm and see what comes up in your mind. Don’t attempt to force or control the thoughts. Just watch what appears. During this exercise, you’ll get entangled and lost in your thoughts, then “wake up” realizing you’ve been thinking about XYZ for the last minute. It’s the equivalent of your mind going to the gym. Each “wake up” is a rep and the more consistent we put in our reps, the better prepared our mind is for the more intense times.

Perfectionism to Self-Compassion

8/22/2023

Anxiety demands certainty from “danger.” One way this can play out is through perfectionism. Like certainty, perfectionism is often a hidden driver that we’re not consciously aware of. And just like certainty, perfectionism is unachievable. Perfectionism is hard to give up because it offers a massive buffer from “danger.” In reality, it’s a setup for self-criticism and beating ourselves up because we’ll always fall short. Self-compassion can assist with letting go of perfectionism. Self-compassion often gets lumped together with complacency or giving up our values. This isn’t the case. In general, self-compassion is responding to ourselves the same way we would a good friend. Dr. Kristin Neff offers helpful information on self-compassion: https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

“Just Think Positive”

8/15/2023

Positive thoughts aren’t the antidote to negative thoughts. Positive and negative thoughts are equally problematic when they don’t reflect reality. And negative thoughts usually protest when we respond to them with “Just think positive.” The goal is not to get rid of negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Instead, it’s to get better at being an observer of our unrealistic, distorted thoughts rather than a participant. We can’t control our unhelpful thoughts, but we can control how we respond and relate to them.

Slow is Smooth, Smooth is Fast

8/8/2023

Anxiety so often urges quick action. We rush, focused on the future and a particular outcome. The result is more rushing, worry about the future and poor outcomes. The Navy Seals have a saying, “Slow is smooth, smooth is fast,” and it’s a practical paradoxical attitude to experiment with for anxiety. Next time you find yourself caught up in the day’s rush, experiment with slowing down and turning your focus only to the task in front of you. Experiment with breaking the task into even smaller tasks. See how small you can make the task. Initially, this may feel like losing sight of the goal and dangerous. In reality, bringing more focus and energy to each small step in front of you is focusing more on the end goal.

Externalize Anxiety

8/1/2023

Anxiety can feel as though it is who we are. It also tends to dominate and overshadow all the different parts of us. Anxiety is not who we are, however. Instead, think about it as something outside of you that makes it challenging to tap into the core parts of you: your values, interests, passions, social connections, and resilience. It can be helpful to externalize anxiety by creating an analogy. Here are some ideas: An uninvited, obnoxious visitor to the party. A bully. Annoying background music. A scary (or funny and ridiculous) monster. A passing storm. A loud and overreactive backseat driver. Heavy luggage stuffed full of unnecessary things.

Perfecting Anxiety

7/25/2023

Learning about anxiety and noticing progress makes room for a new type: Anxiety about making progress with anxiety. “Is this a safety behavior or not?” “Am I doing enough exposures?” “Am I doing the right type of exposures?” “I need to get it perfect to make sure I get over anxiety!” It’s just another trick it tries to play on us. Anxiety feeds us new types of content as we make progress with the usual content. It tries to convince us that this new “danger” is real. This one we won’t be able to figure out. The good news is it’s all the same. The content of worry and anxiety is irrelevant because it’s the same path forward: Label it as anxiety, remind ourselves the amygdala is sending false signals, avoid avoidance, and strengthen our tolerance for uncertainty.

Thought Defusion

7/18/2023

We’re fused with the majority of our worry thoughts. An automatic thought appears, and we assume it to be valid without questioning it. They’re impossible to question because when we’re fused with our thoughts, there isn’t enough space to be aware of them. We’re one with them, and, as a result, they take us for a wild ride. Instead, we want to step into the role of being an observer of thoughts, not a participant. This creates space between us and our thoughts. By creating space, we notice that we are not our thoughts and can choose how or if to engage with worry.

Acceptance vs White Knuckling it

7/11/2023

Acceptance is one of the best ways to respond to anxiety. This is different than white knuckling it though. White knuckling it looks like: “When will this end? When will this end?” “I’m just going to get through this quickly” Acceptance looks like: “This is not dangerous and I’m ok with this” “I can’t change or control this feeling. I will continue with what I’m doing despite this discomfort” Even though on the surface acceptance and white knuckling may look the same, it’s our self-talk and attitude beneath the surface that matters the most.

Shifting to the Present and the External

7/4/2023

Overfocusing on the future and on your internal state (thoughts and feelings) is the perfect recipe for anxiety. Doing the opposite by shifting your focus to the present and external, can be a helpful exercise to practice. One exercise is called 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding: 5. Focus on five things you see around you 4. Focus on four things you can touch 3. Focus on three things you can hear 2. Focus on two things you can smell 1. Focus on one thing you can taste These types of activities are never quick fixes. Changing our attitude and response to anxiety is the ultimate “fix.” Instead of using this as an attempt to get out of an anxious state quickly, it’s often more helpful to experiment engaging in it with the attitude of: “I’m going to do this exercise while anxiety does its thing and runs its course.”

Keeping Anxiety on its Leash

6/27/2023

Anxiety, just like the average guard dog, is extremely effective at alerting us to real danger. At the same time, it’s terrible with accuracy. It tends to bark at almost anything. Even close friends. Just as you’d never want to let the average guard dog roam freely in your yard or in public, it’s wise to treat anxiety the same. Anxiety is a tool we can use and not something we want to get rid of entirely. We’d be extremely vulnerable to harm if we did. Instead, we want to keep it on its leash, in its yard, and do our best not to believe it every time it barks.

Intrusive Thoughts

6/20/2023

Having a weird, concerning, frightening thought doesn’t automatically make it an intrusive thought. It only becomes intrusive when it starts interfering with our lives somehow. The key factor that pushes a thought into the intrusive category is when we give it power. For example: Trying to get rid the thought (the more we concentrate on eliminating it, the more power we give it) Believing that having a thought increases the likelihood of acting in a way consistent with that thought Believing that our thoughts define who we are and what we value The reality is: thoughts are just thoughts. That’s all. Imagine sitting at a cafe, trying to enjoy a conversation with a friend while background music is playing (i.e., your thoughts). If you start analyzing the music, you can’t fully listen to your friend. If you ask the owner of the cafe to turn down the music, they just turn up the volume. The goal is to simply focus on your friend despite the background music. That’s it. Sometimes this is easy when the music isn’t very loud or the music isn’t interesting. Other times it’s more challenging. The paradox: By focusing on reducing the music, we increase our focus on it, which makes it more intrusive. By simply focusing on our goals and our values, despite the annoying background music, what we find is that the music tends to fade away automatically. This takes practice and repetition.

Safety Behaviors

6/13/2023

Safety behaviors are subtle actions we take to protect ourselves from perceived threats. Take, for instance, the glass of water on stage, meant to ward off panic attacks caused by throat dryness. Or the avoidance of eye contact at social gatherings, driven by the fear of negative judgment. Though well-intended and seemingly harmless, safety behaviors actually perpetuate the anxiety cycle. They give us a false sense of control, whispering, “You can go on stage, but only with that glass of water” or “You can attend the party, but only if you avoid eye contact.” In essence, they reinforce the belief that danger lurks and we are ill-equipped to handle anxiety if it strikes. Instead of resorting to safety behaviors, we can label them when their urges arise and remind ourselves that even though this activity feels dangerous, it’s not actually dangerous. In fact, feeling anxiety means our amygdala is triggered, which feels really uncomfortable, but it’s actually a good sign. It means our amygdala is working and it also means it’s open to learning a new lesson.

Rumination is Active

5/16/2023

Rumination isn’t something that happens to us. Instead, rumination is a choice we make to actively engage with a thought. The process first starts with an automatic thought. For example, “What if I blush on stage?” This is not rumination yet. This is simply just a thought that randomly popped up, outside of our control. These thoughts can be compelling though. They seem important. It feels reckless not to engage with the thought. In this case, rumination might look like trying to figure out how not to blush or reduce the perceived dangers of blushing: “I wonder if there’s any articles online offering tips on how not to blush” “I can ask the organizer to turn down the lights” “Maybe I should call in sick” Rumination is a choice to put energy toward a thought. Rumination is circular and counterproductive, even though initially it feels productive and actually dangerous not to engage with. The way to stop ruminating is to simply (not easily) stop putting energy into the automatic worry thoughts. Leaving the question it poses unanswered. Not ignoring it or trying to push it away. Not trying to convince it of anything. Just letting the automatic thoughts do their thing without having a conversation with them. This of course takes practice!

Reassurance Seeking

5/9/2023

On the surface, reassurance seeking seems harmless. In reality, it’s anxiety’s fuel. Getting reassurance that a fear won’t come true is like a drug: We need more of it to get the same level of calming effects as before. It’s important to remember, reassurance seeking is a form of avoidance and reinforces the anxiety cycle. Anxiety will lie and tell us a different story though: “Reassurance = self-care” “What’s so bad about getting support from a friend?” “This time is different, we need reassurance because…” “Just one more time. Getting reassurance this way will be the answer we need” If your intention for seeking out reassurance is to get the truth, arrive at a conclusion, accept uncertainty and take action, then this is likely helpful long-term. However, if the main intention is to reduce anxiety, its discomfort, and attempt to find certainty, more often than not, it’s reassurance seeking and will reinforce the anxiety long-term.

Challenging Thoughts Too Much

5/2/2023

When automatic worry thoughts appear, it can be helpful to challenge them. Most of the time the thoughts are distorting reality, working off flawed assumptions the brain is making, and overestimating threats. Bringing some logic into the equation can be helpful. However, when our goal is to become 100% certain about a worry thought (e.g., “I need to know for certain whether the odd look that person gave me is sign they are judging me”) we get stuck in a never ending argument with the worry thoughts. The worry thoughts often respond, “Yea, but…” to our logical challenges. When it becomes never ending and circular, it’s a sign we’re pursuing the impossible: 100% Certainty. This pursuit is hard to give up because if we achieve it we’ll be free of worry thoughts and uncomfortable body sensations. It’s just not possible to achieve though. If you find challenging your worry thoughts is helpful and brings some resolution to the doubt, then keep doing what works. If you find that it’s circular, it’s usually best to acknowledge that you’re seeking 100% certainty, acknowledge that it can never be achieved, and instead focus on building up a tolerance for uncertainty.

Out of Control

4/18/2023

When we have weird or scary thoughts or body sensations, it’s common to believe, “I’m out of control.” In a sense, “I’m out of control” is accurate, but not in the usual way we understand this phrase. It’s accurate in the sense that we don’t have control over our automatic thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. It’s nice to believe we can gain full control over these things, but it’s not possible. “I’m out of control” is inaccurate in the sense that weird, bizarre, scary thoughts and emotions are NOT signs that you’re “going crazy.” It’s a sign that you’re human. What we DO NOT have control over: automatic thoughts automatic emotions automatic body sensations automatic behaviors (e.g., when the brain mistakes a twig for a snake and you jump back) What we DO have control over: non-automatic behaviors choosing to engage with automatic thoughts or not choosing the meaning behind the automatic thoughts, emotions, body sensations choosing how to react to the aspects of us we don’t have control over The trick is to accept and ride the wave of the parts of us we don’t have control over. The more we try to gain full control, the more we will feel out of control. The less we try to gain full control, the more we will feel and actually be in control. The paradox of anxiety.

Catastrophizing

4/11/2023

Anticipating likely future events is crucial for our survival. Without it our lives would be a mess. “What if” thinking helps us to avoid predictable, negative outcomes. “What if” thinking is a protector. However, “What if” thinking often goes far beyond what’s likely to occur and tries to figure out all possible negative events. Our mind quickly starts to mistake possible for likely and we assume the unlikely negative events will happen. This is called catastrophizing. It would be nice if we could stop the initial thoughts that lead to catastrophizing. It’s not really possible though. We don’t have control over the random thoughts that pop up. We do have control over recognizing thoughts that lead to catastrophizing though. By labeling these thoughts, we become more aware of them, and with greater awareness comes more control and less assuming that our thoughts are true and accurate predictors of future dangers.

Insight and Anxiety

3/7/2023

Contrary to the depiction of therapy in movies and TV, gaining insight into our past doesn’t necessarily resolve our present challenges. Imagine seeing a small child run into the road. It’s not very helpful to first try to figure out where the child’s parents are and convince them to be more attentive. Instead, it’s best to quickly stop traffic and grab the child! Often, intervening with anxiety is the same. Anxiety is often the result of the brain misfiring. Though the misfiring is likely happening because of an unhelpful lesson from the past, we still have to intervene in the present. And often, the best intervention is action that is based on facts and our values instead of action that is based on the emotional misfiring of the brain.

Anxiety is Normal

2/28/2023

It’s easy to feel trapped when anxious: “I know this isn’t dangerous, why do I keep feeling this way then?” It’s confusing. Shame is common. “My brain must be broken.” An Anxious brain doesn’t mean the brain is broken, just at some point it learned an unhelpful lesson. It simply needs to learn a more helpful lesson. It’s normal for the brain to learn unhelpful, inaccurate lessons. Anxiety is normal.

Short-Term Comfort

2/21/2023

Short-term comfort is hard to resist. We’re naturally drawn toward it. Add anxiety screaming “danger!!” and it becomes even harder to resist. Feels reckless to resist. The more we seek comfort though, away from the “danger,” the more we reinforce anxiety’s false alarms. We inadvertently teach our brain to continue sending us alarm bells in similar situations. This is the anxiety cycle: Trigger —> Anxiety —> Fear Thoughts —> Escape/Avoid —> Short-term Comfort —> Long-term Anxiety Maintenance As long as we’re not in actual harms way, the goal is to step outside the anxiety cycle by increasing short-term discomfort. That is, avoid avoiding/escaping. It’s incredibly brave to step outside the anxiety cycle because anxious “danger” feels exactly the same as real danger. There’s no difference internally. By letting facts be our rudder, we start to teach the “child brain” new lessons: The Child Brain, The Parent Brain, & The Grandparent Brain

Anxiety Loves to Stay Vague

2/14/2023

Anxiety loves to keep us distracted by keeping our focus on the external “threat.” It thrives here. It also thrives off staying vague. For example, the brain perceiving that getting up on stage in front of a large audience is a threat (maybe the most common fear). The vague fear might be: “I’ll get nervous!” It’s common to just stop there though and assume getting nervous would be awful. But, it can be helpful for many people to make anxiety get specific: Why would getting nervous be so bad? “Because other people will notice!” Ok, and why is that so bad? “Because then they’ll think something is wrong with me!” Ok, and if that happens, then what? “They might all start laughing and pointing at me!” Definitely uncomfortable, but then what after that? “They’ll all reject me!” And? “I just won’t be able to handle it! I won’t be able to cope.” As we continue, we slowly start to expose anxiety’s flawed assumptions and lies. This doesn’t make anxiety go away instantly, but it does gives us the courage to continue on with the things we value despite the anxiety being present. Vague fear —> less control over our behavior —> more anxiety, long-term More specificity —> more control over our behavior —> less anxiety, long-term

No Fear

2/7/2023

It’s tempting to pursue the goal of having no fear. “I’ll start giving presentations once I feel confident” “I’ll ask him out once I don’t feel afraid” It’s simply not obtainable though. Instead, we need to act, driven by our values, despite fear and anxiety screaming at us not to. Anxiety is a paradox. The harder we try to get rid of it, the more it grips us. The less we hold on to the goal of getting rid of it, the less it impacts us and the more its intensity starts to fade.

The Child Brain, The Parent Brain, & The Grandparent Brain

1/27/2023

In many ways, we all have three brains: The Child Brain – highly reactive, automatic, not conscious, not logical, doesn’t learn through language. Only learns through experience. It’s the threat detection system. It’s perfect for keeping us safe and alive. However, it constantly overreacts. In fact, it’s wrong most of the time. At the same time, we’re lucky to have the Child Brain because it’s better to have a system that overreacts to possible threats opposed to one that under reacts or doesn’t react at all. The Parent Brain – smart, logical, aware, conscious, not automatic, learns through language. It’s the analytical system. Just like all parents though, it’s not perfect. Often times it wants to shelter the Child Brain by helping it avoid or escape “dangers.” It’s hard not to. It pains and scares the Parent Brain to see the Child Brain crying and screaming. But, when it does, the Child Brain becomes even more sensitive to stressors and slowly starts to internalize unhelpful lessons: “This situation is dangerous” and “I can’t cope.” The Grandparent Brain – wise, logical, highly aware. It’s the highest system. This brain coaches the Parent Brain to understand that just because the Child Brain is screaming and crying, it doesn’t mean anyone is in danger. It’s uncomfortable, but not dangerous. The Grandparent Brain teaches the Parent Brain to react in a way that teaches the Child Brain that it can cope with uncomfortable situations without needing to be sheltered. We don’t do this through language, the Child Brain doesn’t learn that way. The Child Brain only learns through experience. Only by staying in “dangerous” situations, repeatedly, over and over, does the Child Brain begin to learn that it can cope and that the situation isn’t dangerous. We all have a Grandparent Brain. We have access to it whether we believe it or not. By reading these words you’re accessing it. When thinking about anxiety after a triggering situation, you’re accessing it. When you read a book about anxiety, you’re accessing it. Anytime you step outside the anxiety and become an observer, rather than a participant, you’re accessing it. The more we access the Grandparent Brain, the more opportunities we have to coach the Parent Brain. And the more we coach the Parent Brain, the less distress it feels from the Child Brain’s false alarms and the less it colludes with the Child Brain’s urge to escape and avoid. The Child Brain slowly learns and stops sending false alarms. This is the general pathway to anxiety recovery.